Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Facing My Fears

I'm not known for my epic bravery. The world can be a scary place and I have to meditate on verses from the Bible that remind me to be strong and courageous because I'm never alone or I will lose my focus on God's plan for my life.  And anytime I start something new in life, I face new fears.

So here we are, starting down a new journey.  Just going to China to start with was a giant battle. I hate flying with a burning passion.  I was really nervous about leaving my family especially considering that my two older girls were going to church camp in Oklahoma while I was gone. I do try to remember how my pastor had taught on fear, had repeatedly said that a huge percentage of the things you worry about never happen. Lo and behold, I got to China and back safely and my kids had a wonderful time at camp.

But adopting isn't a one time trip or a short journey.  It is a lifetime commitment to welcoming a child with an unknown history to be fully yours forever.  Jeff and I have been doing a lot of required training and sometimes it is overwhelming to think about attachment, bonding, abuse your child may have suffered, unknown medical conditions as well as the diagnosis our child already has.  This child will not come with a money back guarantee.  My daughters want to know if he will like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, baseball or want to even play with them.  For a moment, the idea that he might not even like Star Wars was thrown out and it was more than they could even consider. I don't have all the answers for them.  I don't have any answers for myself.  I just have to turn all of these concerns over to the One who orchestrated this from the start.

I'm going to be very honest with you.  I can't even get to the worries about him because I'm still shaking with fear over how on earth we will be able to afford getting him home.  The first time I saw the numbers, I literally trembled. Every day, the thought of all of it goes through my head and I'm overwhelmed.

I can only get through the day knowing that I serve a God bigger than that number on the brochure.  He is in the business of paying a high price to redeem.  He knows how much it will cost and He is preparing the way.  I don't know how He is going to do this but I believe He will.  So far, every time the agency has asked for money, it has been there.  I am choosing to believe that it will be continue to be there until he is home.

Every time I pray about this, I cry out to God and lay all these fears out before Him and I keep hearing him say the same thing over and over.  "Do it afraid".  I don't believe God is endorsing my fear but telling me to keep going despite my circumstances.  So I went to China afraid and found Him there in the beautiful faces of every child.  I started this adoption afraid and found Him faithful at every turn. I told my friends about this afraid of what they would say and found them encouraging and supportive.  I'm going to keep "doing it afraid" until His faithfulness and perfect love casts out every fear.

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