Silent Night

To all you moms and dads out there who are waiting for a referral, a letter of acceptance, or any step closer to holding your child.

May God bless you this Christmas. I've been there and I remember the pain. It feels like every step, every day is so long. The waiting is so hard. The nights seem far from peaceful or joyful like the carols we sing.

I remember pouring my heart out to God about missing a little boy I barely knew and hearing Him whisper how glad He was that someone else was loving him too. He had been singing over him all of his life. Now, we sang together.

It is hard to enjoy the holidays when all you want is your little one home. I remember wondering what Christmas morning was like for him and now he has enough language to tell me there was no Christmas in China. There were no presents. It was just another day. I'm so glad those days are over and there will always be Christmas now. He didn't know what he was missing, now he can't wait to count down each day.

He loves candlelight services, seeing baby Jesus in the live Nativity, and buying gifts for his family at the school store. He loves peanut clusters and spreading chocolate on homemade toffee. He loves seeing Santa and singing Jingle Bells. My heart is so full.

My heart still hurts though for all those kids waiting. It hurts for all those mamas and babas waiting. But He is not silent. He is working. He will be setting the lonely in families in 2017.  Hold on to Him and His perfect timing.

If you haven't adopted and your heart is open to hearing more, please just ask. I would love to point you in a direction that leads you closer to a child that waits.

Liam update: He is doing well in school and loving the holiday season. We are getting a second opinion on his heart next month and we are starting to explain to him what that means. Thank you for all of your love and support.

Educating Liam

I'm in a ton of adoption Facebook groups and I see many people who adopt school aged children who struggle with school issues. I wanted to share our story since Liam's first year of school just ended.

We live in a pretty normal Texas school district. I went to elementary, intermediate, middle and high school in this district and have always been proud of our schools. They took a pretty average student and helped me get an academic scholarship to an exceptional private university and I was very prepared for college. My 3 biological kids have gotten a great education so far and I had no reason to doubt the same would happen for Liam.

I've seen a few parents on these Facebook groups say that they went in the first time to register their child for school with guns blazing prepared for war. That's just not me. I assume that the vast majority of teachers and administrators in the public school setting are there not for the fabulous paychecks but because they love kids. I don't go through life assuming everyone is out to get us because that hasn't been my experience in life. I walked into our neighborhood elementary school in July to register Liam for school armed with a stack of Chinese and American documentation. Our principal immediately said, "I know those red books!" and explained that her two girls were adopted from China. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that we were off to a great start. I had also set up an appointment with our school counselor a few months before to go over both the struggles that I was anticipating for Liam but also some other issues we saw coming for our family and she reassured me that everything was going to be fine.

When I did the pre-registration online, our district allowed me to put Liam in 1st grade despite the fact that he was 7 and 1/2. I felt that 2nd grade was just going to be too much for him with the language issues. Liam's principal let me handpick his teacher this year. I asked for a 1st grade teacher that we had previously had for one of our biological kids. I knew that she supported our adoption because she bought one of our fundraiser shirts and she had a nurturing, patient personality.

Liam seemed unsure about starting school but he is a brave kid. He had not been allowed to go to a regular Chinese school like some of that other children at the orphanage but he had attended class in the building. I'm still not exactly sure how much he learned but I know he was used to learning songs, numbers, colors, and other preschool concepts. The first few weeks of 1st grade were seemingly tough. He had only come home around 8 weeks before school started so his English was very limited. It seemed that he went through his hierarchy of needs and started with needing to know he had access to water and the bathroom. Evidently, he exercised that cycle of drinking and potty breaks often. I think he just needed to know that it was accessible to him. For my part, I tried to keep his lunch comforting and familiar. We made sandwiches for our bio girls and sent him rice, noodles and soup because that's what he likes.

Here's where I start bragging on our public school. There was a day where his teacher was struggling to communicate with him and emailed the district ESL coordinator across town. Within 20 minutes, that coordinator was in her class. Liam received daily ESL instruction both in his class and in the ESL room. He also received extra help from the reading specialist and social skills help from the counselor. Liam was a very high functioning kid in a special needs orphanage so he needed to learn some lessons about winning/losing, taking turns, etc.

I'm not saying it was all sunshine and roses. He had some struggles learning how to deal with other kids and communicate in a new language. Honestly, though as a former mother of all girls, this probably wasn't outside the norms of an average 7 year old boy.

So here we are as he has completed his first full year of school and he's made such amazing strides. He was voted the top boy in his class by his classmates. He is reading! He is speaking fluent English (until you ask him why he is buying so much ice cream with his lunch account...totally loses the ability to speak). He made it through a field trip, school carnival, field day, and holiday parties. My husband just had an "end of year" meeting with his team of teachers, administrators and staff and he is actually doing above grade level in math. He still has some catching up to do in reading and writing but he is getting there and I know he will catch up. Almost most importantly, he has made friends and he loves going to school. He gets grumpy on school holidays and I'm going to try to keep him busy over the Summer. If we go to school events, it's like walking in with a celebrity. Every teacher and student has to stop and say hi to him. One of our daughter's teachers has to get her "Liam hug" every morning.

I'm looking forward to seeing what amazing work he is going to do in 2nd grade!

For her

Dear China Mom,

I know we've never met, but today I'm thinking about you. It's my first Mother's Day as our son's mom and though I don't know your face, I'm praying for you. I'm thankful to be a mom, I'm thankful for my mother and I'm also so thankful you gave my son life.

Today, our son's DNA test reached the lab to be processed. In weeks, we will have a little more information about where he came from. I don't know if you will ever want to be found or if he will want to look but I want him to have the option. You deserve that. He deserves that.

I don't know if you think about him every day and wonder how he is but if you do I pray that the peace that passes all understanding fills your heart and somehow you know that he's okay. I know you live in a country where the gospel is persecuted but I pray that Jesus finds a way of reaching you.

This week our son asked what God was. He's so smart and so curious. We are going to teach him of God's amazing plan for his life and how even in the heartbreaking way his life started, that Jesus is still in the redemption business. I pray He redeems your loss and gives you beauty for ashes.

I don't know if we will ever meet this side of Heaven but I want you to know that you are not forgotten. Sometimes I wonder if he has your smile or your laugh but know that our son has my heart. He is loved so deeply.

I know that in China, there is a legend that there is a red thread that connects hearts that are destined to meet. That thread may tangle but it will not break. I feel it between our hearts.

Happy Mother's Day,
Sarah

Unanswered Questions

"Any family medical history we should know about?"

It was a standard question. It came after asking about allergies and current medications. The medical technician was just doing her job, but after she left the room to get the doctor, it left me thinking about my son.

I was just in for a sinus infection but it's funny how adoption creeps into every area of my life now. I thought about all the times my son will be asked that question in his life and how he probably won't have much of an answer. I've ordered a DNA testing kit for him and hopefully it will shed some light on the shadows of his medical history but there will always be lingering questions.

I'm thankful to take my kids to an orthodontist who has adopted internationally several times. At the bottom of all the of the family medical history options to check off, there is a box that says, "My child is adopted and I have limited medical history." Tears sprang to my eyes the first time I saw that. I felt understood.

The truth is though that each one of us probably has a little list of unanswered questions. One of my favorite MercyMe songs addresses this in a way that floods my heart with peace:

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from being explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains


When my son hears that question, I pray that it doesn't bring pain. I hope that we raise him to know that none of us has a complete picture of how we ended up where we are but that God is still writing a beautiful story even in the unanswered questions.

Even in the why

I think most people who are friends with me on Facebook and Instagram would see the adorable pictures of my kids and think this has been just a blissful joy-filled year. That's the problem with social media. I'm not going to post the countless moments that have made this one of the most difficult, heartbreaking years of my life. Don't get me wrong, Liam has been a huge blessing. My kids are wonderful. But our family has gone through unbelievable pain this year and it isn't over yet. I would have never dreamed possible some of the disappointments we have endured. These are just heartbreaks we can't share on social media for a variety of reasons. There have been things we have prayed for that we have watched slip through our hands like sand. I remember Priscilla Shirer say in a conference over 15 years ago, "Hold onto everything loosely, so it won't hurt so much when it is pulled out of your hands." Well, I guess I didn't listen because it has hurt.


Part of why it has hurt is that I've messed up where my joy should come from. Psalm 30:5 says, "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." I have let my prayer request be my hope of having joy and not the Lord. God speaks to me most clearly through music and this song helped me see this. 

Even in the why, 
in the middle of the night I say 
You are good
Though my prayers are heard, 
the response is Yours God 
You are good
Sorrow may last the whole night, 
joy comes in the morning light
You are faithful 
God You are faithful, 
You have never left my side


I was waiting for the phone call of good news like it was my morning light. But then comes the bridge:

You are the sunrise 
You are the sunrise, 
there is no mistaking Your light

He is my sunrise. There is no mistaking His light because even if I had gotten everything we had prayed for this year, it wouldn't last forever like He will. The earthly, temporal good news I had been praying for is not the eternally faithful good news. 

So what do we do? We keep going. We fix our eyes and worship even in the why. We trust that He's holding us through this and He still has a plan. 
He is faithful and good.

Thank you Rita Springer for your beautiful song (Gateway Worship)

Transformation Tuesday

Here's a little update on Liam and the transformation that completely amazes us every day.

Liam is in his second week of school and he has done amazingly well. He's behind academically and it is going to take a while before he's able to keep up with spelling tests and math problems but we have full confidence that he will get there quickly.  He is trying and participating in class. He is making friends and excited to get out of the car each day.  These are the things that really matter to me and sight words, subtraction and reciting the pledge perfectly will come. 

The most common question that we are asked is still, "How is his English coming?"  That has literally been such a minor issue since the moment he was in our arms. He could tell in context what we were talking about thanks to books, Google translate and hand motions. He very quickly starting trying to speak English and I would say he's now as fluent in English as I was in Spanish III in high school.  He speaks short sentences and phrases and knows most basic nouns (places, food, colors, people).  

What really amazes us is looking back at how far he has come so quickly and how much he has changed physically and emotionally.

I took these two pictures 13 months apart.

If you knew him before and after, you would see that his whole attitude has changed every more than his appearance. He changed because he has become what we said he is.  He knows he is a cherished son. We sang this song recently at a church service we were in.  I felt bad for the rest of the congregation because they had probably never seen this happen in the tangible way we have.  

When Liam was ushered in the door in China, he was scared and crying.  After trying to console him, giving him suckers and trying to listen to the nannies at the same time, my husband stopped and looked up a word on Google translate. Jeff leaned down and told Liam in Mandarin that he was brave.  He didn't tell him to BE brave. He told him he WAS brave. Instantly, the tears were gone and his whole demeanor changed. Now, every night as we tuck him into bed we say, "Liam is..." and he fills in the blank with four words.

Liam is...brave

Liam is...strong

Liam is...happy

Liam is...blessed

He says them boldly each night because his Daddy says that is who he is.  And he believes his father. 

So you are no longer a slave but a son, and if you are a son, then you are also an heir through God

Galatians 4:7

Butterflying

The one thing that I do not want to do with this blog is act like our experience is every adoption experience. Every child, family, and experience is different. This is just our story. I believe that you get a beautiful tapestry by reading lots of adoption stories. I'm a member of 2 local adoption groups and I have already seen how different each story is and I love hearing God work in each of them.

I have read the suggested books and taking the online training required from my agency. Much of it was very interesting and enlightening but I believe the parenting my husband and I already did with our biological children wasn't much different than they suggested. We don't spank. We do "time-ins" with younger children so they can rethink their behavior within a few feet of us. We follow 1-2-3 Magic from Dr. Phelen and there really isn't yelling in our home. We co-sleep during naps and currently my 4 year old is laying on my back resting because she's tired from swimming. I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works from home so we spend as much time as possible together and our house is full of snuggles and family fun.

One thing that is pretty prevalent in the adoption community is the idea of cocooning. It is forming attachment with your child through staying close to home and limiting outside influences for weeks or months after you bring your child home. I think it can be a beautiful way to bond for most families.  So far though, that isn't what we have done. Liam was ready to leave the orphanage and have a family. His nannies told us that he was asking when his family was coming for months before we arrived. He is an active 7 year old boy that will be starting 1st grade next month in a public school and he hasn't shown a single sign of not being attached to us.  He wants us to hold him, snuggle, hold our hand and he doesn't look to any other adult for affection or attention. He loves going out every day and on the days we do stay at home and just play with playdoh or build legos, he seems bored. If I even slightly indicate we might be going somewhere, he's putting on his shoes and shouting, "car!"

Basically, if I saw a single sign that Liam wasn't attaching to us or couldn't handle our Summer schedule of play dates, splash parks, and vacation Bible school, we would stop immediately and slow everything way down. But he seems to love it and is just happy settling into what we normally do as a family. So I'm listening to all of you other adoptive moms out there. I'm listening to the experts as well. But first and foremost, I'm listening to my kid. And he's saying (in the cutest accent), "Let us go!!!"

The new normal

I feel terrible that I haven't blogged more but since coming home, Liam has kept us so busy! In the last month, we returned to Texas and became a new family of 6. He is just an amazing little blessing in our lives. Jeff keeps saying that his biggest regret is that we couldn't have adopted him sooner.  He is learning English very quickly and surprises us with a new word every day. The last couple of days he has gone from calling us Mama and Baba to now "Mommy and Daddy".  He uses his sisters' names and not just "jie jie" and "mie mie".

Is every moment perfect and blissful? Nope. He's a real kid and he likes to pout when he doesn't get his way. And by pout I mean retreats and stays grumpy as long as possible and tries to work up tears. We overcome the language barrier as much as we can but sometimes things just don't make sense to him. He's not usually a fan of taking turns or sharing with his sisters. But these are normal kid issues and we are just loving him through this. It seemed to get worse for a while and after some time working it out with Daddy, it seems to be getting better.

We have gotten him a full physical and next we will be visiting a pediatric cardiologist so we can see how that little heart is doing.  We hope and pray he will not need surgery for a while.

He loves when I make him rice and noodles, turns up his nose at Mexican food and Ranch dressing and loves his new bike. I'm so glad we waited on making him a bedroom because he is giving us input on what he likes. He loves the color red and likes baseball and cars. I would have done a blue Star Wars room. It is fun discovering who he is and what he likes.

It is fairly typically for adopted children to attach to one parent over the other. Of course, I assumed as the nurturing mother that already met him last year that it would be me. It hasn't exactly worked out like that. This boy was ready for a daddy.  He can't get enough of Jeff holding him, throwing him around and just plain being around. I get my share of snuggles but he is really Baba's boy.

Your prayers were answered so tangibly and I'm so thankful for everyone who has walked this journey with us so far.

We have a son!

So here we are in China. It has been a whirlwind since we arrived in Beijing. We had a couple of days of sightseeing and then off to Liam's province.  There are six families in our travel group but only one other going to our province and it is nice to have the company.  We arrived in Xi'an around 11am on "Gotcha Day" and went to our hotel to settle in to our new environment. We exchanged our money in the hotel lobby which felt like the beginning of an episode of Locked Up Abroad. Then before we knew it, it was time to head to the Civil Affairs office.

We came in and just hung around nervously for about 10 minutes when we heard voices coming down the hall. Before we knew it, we saw one little kid come in and then Liam quickly followed. It was like seeing a celebrity in person. You can't believe your eyes because he is really right there!!

He seemed hesitant so we just told him in Mandarin that it was okay. He eventually sat in my lap and just seemed overwhelmed with emotion. He was doing his best to keep it under control but a few tears rolled down. He just breathed hard through it and did his best. This continued for about 20 minutes. It seemed to get a little worse and Jeff looked up the Mandarin word for "brave" and he said it to him and looked him straight in the eye. At that moment, all the tears stopped and he seemed okay. It was like he needed a dad to tell him how brave he was being and he knew he was going to be fine.

We signed a few papers, I think promising that we wouldn't let him wander off in the next 24 hours and then we answered some questions about why we were adopting. We stopped in to a baby and kids store for the other couple with us to get some diapers and Jeff showed him a little metal sports car toy and we saw his first smile. We bought him the car and we headed back to the hotel. We played with his car and just started figuring this cutie out.  Jeff and Susannah got Chinese takeout from a place nearby and he ate everything in sight.

He slept well last night and then had a big breakfast. He got a little sick in the car on the way back to complete his adoption this morning but I think the traffic and driving would do that to most people. Thankfully, as a mom of several with carsickness, I was prepared.  We got through all the paperwork and stamping his hand and our thumbprints and got back to the hotel where we have been playing and becoming a family.  He overall is doing so great. We are managing the communication barriers pretty well and he is very bright.  He knows and can write his numbers 1-10 and can copy his name in English. He knows his shapes and can do a 36 piece puzzle by himself. He likes Legos and playing on the iPad.  He is calling us Mama, Baba and Jie Jie (big sister) and calls himself the Mandarin word for "son".

Continue praying that we keep adjusting well.  He is an amazing little guy and we are super blessed!

Nothing is Wasted

We are a family of nerds and I'm okay with that. As a family, we are watching Star Trek: The Next Generation from beginning to end on Netflix. Most of our Saturday nights, after the kids go to bed, are spent watching Doctor Who.  I think we watched the new Star Wars trailer at least 5 times the day it came out.  And yes, we aren't just sci-fi fans, I'm the dork who took 5 math and science credits in high school instead of getting early release because Genetics and Statistics sounded fun.  I spent my weekends in college chasing storms or doing extra weather modules on laser discs.  My daughter is attending her first Comic Con this weekend and I see cosplay in her future.

All that to say, an episode of Star Trek TNG really caught our attention the other day.  Geordi ends up saving a planet where humans live in a biosphere trying to genetically engineer a perfect race.  He did it using the technology from his visor. He even tells the scientist from the planet he's working with that if it were up to them, he never would have been born because of his disability. He almost laughs at the irony that very disability is saving them. She has a revelation that they are actually behind in technology because there is no struggle with perfectly engineered people. Basically, if necessity is the mother of invention, their perfect race didn't need for much and didn't create much.

Sadly, our culture in the 21st century doesn't look that much different than these biosphere people. We have aborted 90% or more of those diagnosed with Down Syndrome in the womb.  Some parents select the perfect embryos and discard the rest even based on gender. But in the search for perfection, we miss the wondrous struggle.

Yesterday, I stepped foot in a new world.  It is a world of evaluations, forms, therapists and IEPs. It was a Special Education building. My youngest, like her father and to a small degree her older sister, has a condition called disfluency.  Basically, she stutters. It looks like she will be starting speech therapy when she starts kindergarten in the Fall.  And instead of sadness, I choose joy.  I look to the glory that God will reveal through this.  If it hadn't been for my husband's speech disorder, I don't know who he would be. It made him into an incredible listener and someone who thinks carefully about his words before he speaks. And he fell in love with me partly because I let him finish his sentences when others didn't.

My dad is almost completely deaf.  I can see on his life how what seemed like a disability has turned into a testimony.  Liam has a congenital heart defect. I'm learning more about it every day. He may need surgery soon or someday far in the future.  I know that God has a plan through it either way. What looks like a life threatening condition, will be his story and song.

God uses all of it for His glory.  It is all part of His plan.  Not a single pain, disease or diagnosis is wasted in His kingdom.


he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Counting the Cost

As we wait for our travel to China, I can't help but look back at this journey so far and one of the biggest miracles has been God's financial provision.  I believe that our family being very transparent in this process will encourage others to begin the journey of giving another child a home so here's what the numbers look like:

I believe that this adoption will end up totaling about $37K.  Again, if you want to see where that money goes, please check out the cost page on our adoption agency's website. The bulk of it is about to be paid out in plane tickets, our in-country travel package and the orphanage donation we give in China.  A lot of it pays for our agency to manage the program and to cover background checks, visas and other government requirements.  I'm so thankful that from the very beginning they were open about the costs.

About half of the costs we were able to come up with from our budget.  Every tax refund, third paycheck or any dollar we could squeeze from our budget went straight into the "adoption" fund in our budget spreadsheet.  Literally, if our gas bill was $7 less than we were expecting, that $7 was transferred over.  Some months we did better than others but God multiplied when it looked impossible.  We never could have embarked on adopting Liam unless we had gone through Financial Peace University, paid off $39k in 18 months and gotten to "Baby Step 3".  We had already trimmed our personal budget down to pay off that amount of debt and kept a monthly budget where we know where every dollar is going before the month begins.  We basically stayed in "gazelle intensity mode" for this entire process.

I believe about half of the cost came from fundraising and generous donations.  We raised over $13k on our AdoptTogether page.  Over $5000 more came from our pancake breakfast, garage sales, craft sales, t-shirt sales, and individual donations.  We also received a grant from Sowing Roots that we have applied directly to our agency to cover our travel.  I am still so overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends, family and even complete strangers.  Thank you for being a part of Liam's story and blessing our family by your giving.  I have learned so much through this process and I definitely am inspired by your generous giving and want to give more to others.

I write all of this to encourage you.  Whether it is adoption, missions, starting a ministry, I believe that God has a call on all of our hearts.  Whatever that is, I believe that He will provide a path and the means to walk that path.  He is our great provider!

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 
2 Cor 9:8

Almost there

I have updated our timeline blog about where we are in our adoption process and what future dates look like. We now have plane tickets purchased and a vague itinerary of when we are going to China and how that trip will look.  We are waiting to pay for our in country travel package so that we can see how things are looking financially.

Right now though we are focusing on spending time as a family of 5 and thinking about packing for a 2 week trip to China.

People sometimes don't realize what a tremendous thing this is for Liam. He isn't winning the lottery. This isn't Little Orphan Annie. He's a real kid that has been well taken care of around friends and nannies who have loved him for the past 7 years.  He's about to leave all that he knows and have to learn a new family, culture and language.  Is it better for him in a family? Absolutely or we wouldn't be doing this.  Is it going to be easy? For him and for us, the answer is no.

We ask for you to understand if you don't see us around that much this Summer.  We will come home and be working on the hard battle of attachment and bonding.  We won't be attending church right away. We will be going to lots of doctors and trying to get him ready to start the 1st grade.  We love our friends and family and want you to meet him but the reality is that he needs to get used to just us first.  Hopefully, the transition will go well and we will be able to introduce him to our lives quickly but we just don't know what it is going to look like right now.

Many people have asked if he knows English or how our Mandarin is.  He does not speak any English that we know of.  We have been working on basic Mandarin phrases but we are not fluent.

And then the question comes, "How's that going to work?"

It is going to work through love.  We are going to do our best.  We are going to use technology and hand gestures.  We will figure it out and children learn quickly when fully immersed.

We need your prayers. We need peace.  We need safety for our trip.  We need Liam's physical and spiritual heart to stay strong.

Thank you to each one of you that is part of this story.  We will not be putting much publicly on social media during our trip so if you want to follow along, please follow our Facebook group.

My biggest regret

Each day gets us a little closer and today our Article 5 was picked up and now we wait for Travel Approval! We are praying it comes in the next few days and we can begin buying airfare and planning our trip.

I have the app "TimeHop" on my phone and I can look back over what I posted on social media over the last 5-6 years every day in a snapshot.  I keep seeing posts I made 5 years ago about all the changes that were going on in our life as I was pregnant with our youngest and moving from Missouri to Texas. As I watch each day of that journey come up on the app, I keep seeing the same thing over and over. I was constantly worried about things that never happened. I was worried we wouldn't sell our house and we did. I was worried our youngest at the time wouldn't do well with the move and she did.

The same is true over the last year of my life and I'm determined to stop.

I've been worried about so many things so far that haven't happened on this journey. I was worried we wouldn't be able to be matched with Liam and we were.  The paperwork seemed too big to overcome but we did it. I fretted that we would never be approved and of course we were. I spent days in agony afraid we wouldn't have the money and it looks like we have it thanks to all those who gave and God's grace.  I regret spending so much time worrying about all of these things that never were an issue.

So here we are waiting to travel and bring our son home. There are a million questions in my mind like about what is about to happen like:

How will we communicate with him?
Will he like our food?
Will he love us or even like us?
Will he be overcome with grief leaving everything he knows?
What is his medical diagnosis going to look like?

I'm determined to not let those worries and questions overwhelm me as we move forward. It may be hard. It may not look how we expect. But God has had this whole process in His hand from the beginning and I believe He did not bring us or Liam this far to leave us now.

I believe Psalm 27 has been the song of this adoption. Take a minute. Quiet your heart. Trust in Him.

You, LORD, are the light

that keeps me safe.

I am not afraid of anyone.

You protect me,

and I have no fears.

²Brutal people may attack

and try to kill me,

but they will stumble.

Fierce enemies may attack,

but they will fall.

³Armies may surround me,

but I won't be afraid;

war may break out,

but I will trust you.

⁴I ask only one thing, LORD:

Let me live in your house

every day of my life

to see how wonderful you are

and to pray in your temple.

⁵In times of trouble,

you will protect me.

You will hide me in your tent

and keep me safe

on top of a mighty rock.

⁶You will let me defeat

all of my enemies.

Then I will celebrate,

as I enter your tent

with animal sacrifices

and songs of praise.

⁷Please listen when I pray!

Have pity. Answer my prayer.

⁸My heart tells me to pray.

I am eager to see your face,

⁹so don't hide from me.

I am your servant,

and you have helped me.

Don't turn from me in anger.

You alone keep me safe.

Don't reject or desert me.

¹⁰Even if my father and mother

should desert me,

you will take care of me.

¹¹Teach me to follow, LORD,

and lead me on the right path

because of my enemies.

¹²Don't let them do to me

what they want.

People tell lies about me

and make terrible threats,

¹³but I know I will live

to see how kind you are.

¹⁴Trust the LORD!

Be brave and strong

and trust the LORD.

Closer

Every day is getting us closer to holding Liam in our arms.  We are so thankful for all of your support and the pancake breakfast was a great success.  This was thanks to all those who came, donated to the silent auction, generously bid, and volunteered.  We now think we are very close to being fully funded. We are very blessed to announce that we received a grant from Sowing Roots and a very generous gift from a friend that will help us greatly with our travel costs.  We still don't know exactly how much our travel costs will be but we pray that God will continue to provide as He has done so faithfully. We are also still waiting to hear from two other grant organizations so we leave it all in His hands.

We are currently waiting for some steps to take place between the CCCWA (government agency in China that oversees the children) and the US consulate. I honestly don't understand all that has to happen even when it is explained to me by my agency but so far things have been going very smoothly.  We have been provisionally approved for his immigration to the United States and we are just waiting for TA (travel approval) to book tickets. As it stands right now, we are hoping to be in China the first 2 weeks of June.

As we have been waiting, we have received some beautiful pictures and updates on how Liam is doing. He is growing well and they say he has been very healthy.  We sent a care package with pictures, etc and the orphanage says that he knows he is being adopted. We pray that our hearts will be ready for him and that he will be prepared for us.  We don't know how he feels about that but he looks happy in the pictures. We know this will be a big adjustment and we will spend much of this summer quietly at home so that he can learn his new surroundings.

Found

This week will be a special one in Liam's story for two reasons now.  It was the anniversary of the day he was found by authorities and today we found out that China has issued our letter of acceptance.

These last 58 days we have been waiting on the acceptance letter had been painfully long. The waiting was difficult.  But we waited with hope.  We knew that it was being worked on and about when it was expected to be completed. Liam has been a "waiting child" for much longer though and he has been waiting without hope.  Sometime this week he was told that the wait is almost over and hope of a family is coming.

Today I wrote him a letter and sent pictures to be assembled in a photo book for him. What do you say? I wanted him to know that we loved him and that we were on our way.  I want him to know that we are preparing a place for him in our family.  Hopefully soon a cake and some treats from us will be delivered and he will know that someone is thinking about him.

Please pray with us that the rest of this process goes quickly and smoothly. Pray that Liam's heart is ready to join our family and that physically it stays strong.

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18

My Attachment Issues

My cousin posted this article from Jen Hatmaker on my Facebook page recently. I had to stop and think if this was to warn me or to encourage me. She said it was for "preparation" and I actually read the whole thing aloud to Jeff.

I was praying about it the next morning asking God if Liam could go through these stages quickly, especially the "Spaz Out".  I prayed that he would know that we love him and even though he wouldn't understand every word we said. I prayed that there would be a bond and he would feel like part of our family. I prayed that he would trust us and understand we treasure him even as we have to teach him the rules and enforce loving discipline.

Instantly, I heard God ask, "Which stage are you in?"

"What?" I asked

"I adopted you and brought you not only into my family but into my kingdom. Do you feel like you are a part of it? Do you know that when I'm disciplining you, it is because I love you and for your good?  Do you trust me as your Father and know I have your best interests at heart just as you will for Liam?"

Well, that was intense. After 36 years, if I'm to really be honest with you, I'm still in "Spaz Out".  I throw inward pity-parties and fits when God doesn't answer my prayers on my time table. I still put on a pretty face at church and act like its all okay when it really isn't. I don't communicate with Him as often as I should because I don't feel like I even understand the language He is speaking.

And like an adoptive father, He keeps pursuing me with love. He keeps using "pull-close" parenting methods and inviting me to just sit with Him and let Him hold me when things don't make sense. He gives me "time-ins" instead of "time-outs" so I can take a breath for a minute and figure out where I went wrong.

I think I'm ready to move on to the next stage. I want to trust His love and be fully ingrafted into His family. I think a lot of it is a choice though. Just as it will be for Liam. He is going to have to choose that even though we are strangers, we love him like he is our biological son. I shouldn't ask Liam to do anything I'm not willing to do. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Retracing my Steps

Photo by Jeff Stevenson

Bob Goff had a wonderful quote this morning on Twitter that really sums up where I have been for the last few weeks: "Sometimes God lets us lose hope for a moment, so we'll retrace our steps and find Him all over again."

There are days lately when I have lost hope. The financial part of this just seemed too big. I even started thinking that maybe this was just all an idea in my own head, not God's plan. Because logically, I selfishly wanted to spend all my money chasing a kid on the other side of the planet who doesn't speak English. Thinking about it now seems really absurd. But when you are wandering and waiting, your flesh makes you doubt what you know in your soul is true. He ordained this and He is in charge and even when the numbers don't make sense, He is sovereign.

The problem is that in Dave Ramsey language, I'm the Free Spirit turned Nerd. I'm the one that handles our family's budget and bills. My husband handles our small business finances. It works great until I add up how much we have left to pay on the adoption and have a panic attack.

Here are the numbers:
We have already paid $17,519.54. This is the first time I have added that up. Wow, where did that come from God? Some of that came from people just handing us a check, our garage sales, things I have made and sold on Facebook. $2000 of it came from the online gifts people have given to AdoptTogether. A lot of it came from our budget. We didn't go on vacation this year, we used any extra money we could find, etc. That still blows my mind though because we normally don't have thousands left over at the end of the month. I can't really explain that number.

I'm estimating we still have $23,420 to go in the next few months. Why? Because:

REFERRAL & TRAVEL

3rd Installment of Program Fee                                                         $2,000

Referral Translation Fee ($475 for waiting child)                              $250

International Program Fee (1 child) •••                                             $7,300

Post Adoption Administrative Fee                                                     $900

Post Adoption Visits                                                                           $1200

China Orphan Care Fee
(This fee will be used to provide on-going support and care for orphans in China through direct projects AWAA will be involved in through our Waiting Children Program and orphanage partnerships.)                                                                                        $600

Airfare (2 adults; prices will vary by season and location)              $3300

Airfare
(1 child; prices will vary by season, location and ticket)                  $1000

Visas (2 adults)                                                                                   $390

Visa Filing & Processing Fee for Adopted Child (per child)             $480

In-Country Travel Package (2 adults) ••••                                         $6000

Travel for 2 adults and a child in China for around 17 days is expensive. We aren't just going on a vacation to Beijing, we are flying to Liam's province and then to Guangzhou where the US Embassy is and then back with another person. We have a guide/translator for our group and meals and some activities to keep a 7 year old busy.  

That $7,300 International Program Fee is very important. It includes the $5,500 we pay to Liam's orphanage for taking care of him all these years and his medical exams, passport, notary, visa, etc.

So, we have $3000 on hand right now and almost $8000 left to request from AdoptTogether. So that $24,420 number is actually down to $12,420. We are praying that we get some kind of tax refund and we have a 3rd paycheck month coming up. We have some clients that owe us for photography work that is coming up soon and we are praying we get a couple of grants. We are hoping the golf tournament fills in the rest. We hope we get more donations on AdoptTogether.

Ultimately though, it is in God's hands. We honestly were planning on waiting to adopt until we had the bulk of the money first. But God has been faithful so far and we are believing that He will provide. We don't have enough words of gratitude for those who have given so far. You have been our answered prayer.