Saving Mrs. Stevenson

All of us want to fix our past.  Whether it was a sin we committed, a relationship that was broken or even a tragedy that we were powerless to stop, we want the chance to undo the hurt and the pain.  I was recently watching "Saving Mr. Banks" and what really got me about this movie was how "Mary Poppins" wasn't about Mary or the children.  It was about Mr. Banks and his transformation.  I loved how you got to see how the author wanted to redeem the pain of her childhood by putting a happy ending on a devastating loss.
Redemption stories are always my favorite because they reflect the greatest story that we are all in the middle of.  The story that Jesus came to Earth to take away the sins of the world and will ultimately fix all that has gone wrong.  Every tear will be wiped away, every wrong somehow made right.

I have a story that I believe God is redeeming.  In 2007-2008, I went through a pretty heartbreaking situation with leaving a church and a community of friends.  I felt abandoned and lost. It was one of the lowest times of my life and it took quite awhile to feel even just okay again.  I still probably struggle with trusting my current friends and really being part of a healthy church community.

Recently though I got all of the paperwork that the orphanage had on our son's life.  It had his medical records and the story of how he came to the orphanage and his estimated birth date.  All at once, God's beautiful redemptive power washed over me as I saw that his birth was right smack in the middle of that situation in early 2008.  When I felt abandoned, God was setting in motion the life of my son on the other side of the world.  He was orchestrating every detail.  I will never again look back on those days as dark and lonely because now I see them as the beginning of Liam's life and I'm so overwhelmingly thankful.

Adoption Update: our homestudy has been approved by our agency and we are just waiting on it to be signed and we will start mailing dossier forms.

Facing My Fears

I'm not known for my epic bravery. The world can be a scary place and I have to meditate on verses from the Bible that remind me to be strong and courageous because I'm never alone or I will lose my focus on God's plan for my life.  And anytime I start something new in life, I face new fears.

So here we are, starting down a new journey.  Just going to China to start with was a giant battle. I hate flying with a burning passion.  I was really nervous about leaving my family especially considering that my two older girls were going to church camp in Oklahoma while I was gone. I do try to remember how my pastor had taught on fear, had repeatedly said that a huge percentage of the things you worry about never happen. Lo and behold, I got to China and back safely and my kids had a wonderful time at camp.

But adopting isn't a one time trip or a short journey.  It is a lifetime commitment to welcoming a child with an unknown history to be fully yours forever.  Jeff and I have been doing a lot of required training and sometimes it is overwhelming to think about attachment, bonding, abuse your child may have suffered, unknown medical conditions as well as the diagnosis our child already has.  This child will not come with a money back guarantee.  My daughters want to know if he will like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, baseball or want to even play with them.  For a moment, the idea that he might not even like Star Wars was thrown out and it was more than they could even consider. I don't have all the answers for them.  I don't have any answers for myself.  I just have to turn all of these concerns over to the One who orchestrated this from the start.

I'm going to be very honest with you.  I can't even get to the worries about him because I'm still shaking with fear over how on earth we will be able to afford getting him home.  The first time I saw the numbers, I literally trembled. Every day, the thought of all of it goes through my head and I'm overwhelmed.

I can only get through the day knowing that I serve a God bigger than that number on the brochure.  He is in the business of paying a high price to redeem.  He knows how much it will cost and He is preparing the way.  I don't know how He is going to do this but I believe He will.  So far, every time the agency has asked for money, it has been there.  I am choosing to believe that it will be continue to be there until he is home.

Every time I pray about this, I cry out to God and lay all these fears out before Him and I keep hearing him say the same thing over and over.  "Do it afraid".  I don't believe God is endorsing my fear but telling me to keep going despite my circumstances.  So I went to China afraid and found Him there in the beautiful faces of every child.  I started this adoption afraid and found Him faithful at every turn. I told my friends about this afraid of what they would say and found them encouraging and supportive.  I'm going to keep "doing it afraid" until His faithfulness and perfect love casts out every fear.

I don't need to know what's next

This is our official blog announcement that we are in the adoption process.  This is something that we have always known was going to happen "someday" but it is finally here.  We went to our first adoption seminar from our agency last Fall and we were planning on starting the process this January but Jeff felt a strong "wait" command from God so we did.  In about March, my cousin Suzette asked if I wanted to go with our agency on a trip to China.  I figured this was a great way to learn about the kids and see what their life was like before they find a family.  It was an amazing trip as you can see from previous blogs.

The urgency to adopt became so much more real and Jeff felt released by God to move forward.  So we began the process at the beginning of July.  Since then we have been approved by our agency, started our home study and become matched with a child.  It has been a whirlwind of paperwork, social worker appointments, emails, fingerprints, signatures, doctor appointments, TB tests and emotion so far.  Right now we are pre-approved for our child in China and we are considered a "paper-chasing family".  We are trying to get all of our paperwork in a row so that they can give final approval and we can start the waiting process for being approved to travel and bring him home.  

Our girls are excited and so curious about what life will be like with a brother.  Jeff and I are so extremely thrilled to have a son.  There is so much to be joyful about but so much left to do.  

One thing I'm trying to work on with my kids is contentment and trust because they are always asking a million questions.  They want to know what we are having for dinner, where we are going, what is going to happen next every moment.  I make them a yummy dinner, we go cool places and do fun things every day and yet they just NEED TO KNOW.  I'm praying about this and asking God, "Why do they do this? I give them every thing they need!" And always, He reminds me that I'm just like them.  There is a new Christian song out from Moriah Peters called, "You Carry Me", where she sings the line, "I don't need to know what's next. You'll be with me every step."

What a statement. I don't need to know what's next.  I just need to be ready and available.  I don't know how long the rest of this adoption process will take, when our son will come home or what his medical outlook will be.  But I know He will be with us every step.  It make take us places we don't expect. It make be a longer road than we want to travel.  But I'm going to trust.

One of the scariest parts to me is the money.  Chinese adoptions average about $30K and we don't have that at the moment.  I didn't expect this process to go as quickly as it has and I have no idea how we are going to finish paying for that right now.  But I have to get up every day and believe that He has that step figured out.  If He brought us to this child on the other side of the world, he surely can figure out how it is going to be paid for.  

I ask for your prayers not only for the money and the process but for the health of our son as he waits to come home. Pray that God carries all of us.