And it hasn't gotten out of my head since. I wanted to know my why. I'm 37 years old and I need to know my why. So I asked God what my why was and He faithfully kept showing me and I resisted. I don't know exactly the reason why I pushed back but I guess I never expected this. You see, I don't like kids that much. I love my kids but I always used to say how I really don't LOVE other people's kids. I used to work in the pre-K class at church and I did not love it. I did it because I felt like I should. Then I got to China and worked in Liam's orphanage. I came home and told my husband how confused I was because I don't like other people's kids but I loved every moment with them. And then he said, "But those weren't other people's kids. Those were nobody's kids."
That's my why: nobody's kids.
I've learned more about the gospel in the last 2 years than I have in my whole life sitting in a church. I learned how passionately God loved me and sought after me while I was far off and had no idea what he was doing. I thought to myself the other day how I would have spent every dollar I had ever made in my life to get my son home and I heard God's voice say, "I know you would. And I did. I paid it all for you."
I'm still figuring out the what but I know the why. I saw this quote from Francis Chan the other day:
"Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter."
In one beautiful moment, I realized I'm not afraid of that. Because if I spend my whole life setting the lonely in families, redeeming the atrocity of abandonment and just loving the least of these, it will be a life well spent.